The Girl With The Eyes

So, last year at the end of March (sometimes it's hard to believe it's been a whole year already) my boyfriend (Manfriend?) told me that he didn't think he could handle our relationship anymore, that he wasn't in a good mental place and that he didn't want to try and drag me through it while he sorted things out. And thusly I was dumped.

We were best friends for years before we started dating, I used to talk to him all the time, we'd text and call often and usually talk online most nights. I'd go to him when I was having trouble with school stuff, and tell him about the happy and sad things going on in my life.

When we broke up one of the things I was worried about the most was losing my best friend. The person I went to for everything.

For a few months after we broke up we didn't talk at all, I was still hurting too much and well I don't really know what he was doing. Eventually we started emailing again, about once a week or so - which for us was just the smallest bit of communication.

Since we started emailing one another again, the emails have been getting further and further apart. For a long time this really bothered me - mostly because I was still secretly harboring the fantasy that he'd say 'I'm fine now and I want you back, I was an idiot and I hope you'll forgive me' and then we could pick up where we left off.

Though as the emails began to start getting space out I slowly pulled back the emotional investment I had in him. To the point where I actually hadn't heard from him in ... seems like more than a month now, to tell you the truth and I was sort of hoping maybe he'd just stop emailing all together.

But then there it was this evening, the email from him. Apologizing for taking so long, and with a quick update on his life and asking about mine.

Now I am long past the point where I wish he'd say he wanted me back, but it seems emails from him still mess with my head a little bit - to go from thinking, this is it we're not going to talk anymore to oh hey he's still interested in being my friend ... at least a little bit?

I just don't know how to respond anymore, it seems wrong to throw away all the years of our relationship, but I don't know how we work together anymore either.

Not really sure what I'm expecting from this entry tonight, just needed to get some thoughts out.