Mmmn. I'm sorry but this seems far too outside the realm of possibility for me. Not the situation, but the way you had them speak. There aren't many people I know who say things like that to each other, even in bed. And the words 'cum' and 'cunt' seem to wrap it all up into a neat, Penthouse package. There are other ways to talk dirty and still make it believable.
It's only my personal preference, of course, but it's very easy to upset the feel of a story and I think that it did. I would have related much more to the characters if they sounded like real people instead of a porn film.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-31 02:21 am (UTC)It's only my personal preference, of course, but it's very easy to upset the feel of a story and I think that it did. I would have related much more to the characters if they sounded like real people instead of a porn film.